This is a redraft of Nigel Farage’s letter to readers to make it a bit more honest.

Welcome to the first edition of the Deformer – the newspaper of Deform UK.

We’ve had enough of just being given an outsize platform by the mainstream media, and having that amplified on steroids by GB News and Talk TV; so instead we want to send our distorted version of reality to you directly, so you can get our twisted message straight from us.

Here’s an undated graph showing Deform UK ahead in the polls, when we have actually been third, even behind the failed Conservative Party that we get so many of our MPs from, for over a month, and behind the failed Labour Party since the Summer, and have been dropping for over a year. This shows you how successful we are being. We give it to you straight.

The choice at the next general election is clear.

Do you want to live in a country that allows at least some people to come here to make a contribution, taxes the rich more than we would, has declining crime (as it does at the moment) has cheaper, cleaner energy instead of expensive, dirty fossil fuels, and where people who need support, from pensioners to people with disabilities, get some, instead of being told to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps; whether they have got boots or not?

Or would you rather have us in power, letting people drown in the channel, enforcing hard work because we don’t want you to have rights that affect the profits of the people who fund us, where the streets are crawling with UK ICE agents making them as frightening and dangerous as they are in Trump’s USA (which we are very keen to copy when it comes to the Health Service too)? We will put the British people first by making you pay for your treatment when you get ill. As you will. And where there is no one to look after you when you need elderly care because we’ve blocked them coming. And where we enjoy wildfires and floods, instead of whinging about them like losers. Because we’re British dammit and we know how to go down with the ship!

Britain is breaking, and nothing seems to be working any more. I still believe in Britain – which is good of me really, as I’d rather hang out in Mar-a-Lago than Clacton. Our crypto billionaire donors and supporters who have financed this paper also believe in Britain, and many of them show how patriotic they are by living in Thailand or Dubai.

We can be sure that Britain won’t be fixed by the old failed politicians; except the many, many Tory retreads we have been so keen to recruit in recent months who, now they are with us, will fix the country by doing exactly the same things as they did to break it in the first place.

We pledge to you that we will turn the country around and send it steaming firmly backwards into the past. Whatever you imagine that was. We will not look to the future, because with us in power there isn’t one. We won’t let you down. But when the floods come, we might let you drown.

And remember, when you make your choice, nothing says “anti establishment” more than being funded by £72 million worth of donations from just two billionaires.